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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25759387">To Trust</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/trippieseojoon/pseuds/trippieseojoon'>trippieseojoon</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Trans Male Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:00:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,483</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25759387</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/trippieseojoon/pseuds/trippieseojoon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yoohyeon feels like her and Yoobin have hit a standstill. Sex isn’t everything, but not having it has become a problem. And it isn’t the only one.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Yoohyeon/Lee Yoobin | Dami</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>To Trust</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They were stuck in a standstill. </p><p> </p><p>Yoobin hadn't mentioned it, but it was bothering him. His pathetic attempts to hide it made Yoohyeon even more upset about their situation, but she still didn't know what to do about it. Given how many sleepless nights she'd had because of it, she should've had an answer by now. They both needed one and it was beginning to become painfully obvious.</p><p> </p><p>He could keep his words to himself, but that was about it. Nowadays, whenever Yoohyeon reached for his thigh or tried to mold herself to be the small spoon in his arms, he tensed up. They never hugged long. She couldn't remember the last time they'd made out, the last time she'd been allowed to run her palms along his skin. He <em> never </em> kissed her first anymore. Ever. </p><p> </p><p>She knew it had nothing to do with her, but it was finally starting to hammer away at her ego. She was beginning to feel unwanted, but she knew better than to use that against him. Being unable to fix their situation already made her feel like a shitty girlfriend. She wouldn't dare make him feel guilty about it, whether it be on purpose or not. </p><p> </p><p>It just sucked. </p><p> </p><p>Sex wasn't supposed to be everything, but it was.</p><p> </p><p>Despite the lack of it, it was affecting every single aspect of their relationship now. Even every aspect of their personal lives. Yoobin was always frustrated. He was so easily irritable some days that it was actually kind of concerning. A big part of it was the hormones, but the lack of emotional outlets had its own role as well. Then, there was the lack of intimacy. The inevitable consequences of being too close to her seemed to constantly be on his mind. </p><p> </p><p>It shouldn't have been a problem, him getting aroused. It wasn't for Yoohyeon at all, but there was nothing she could ever say to him to make him more comfortable with what was between his legs. She'd given up on reassuring him, as it was a personal problem that she knew she'd never be able to fully understand. That didn't mean it didn't hurt her heart any less, however. </p><p> </p><p>She just wanted to help.</p><p> </p><p>“Yoohyeon?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah?” </p><p> </p><p>Having zoned out, she lifted her eyes to meet Jungkook’s concerned gaze. </p><p> </p><p>“Sorry.” she forced a smile on her lips, “I'm just tired.”</p><p> </p><p>The buzz of morning conversation and coffee being brewed had become nothing but white noise. Jungkook could only ever grab breakfast early, as he had work at around 10AM. They always met up at least twice a week, whenever their schedule permitted it. Nowadays, even though she certainly was, Yoohyeon didn't feel busy at all. Her life at work was a break from home that she'd grown to appreciate. She didn't have to go to the office today, though. Maybe that was why she couldn't focus well. Anxiety about seeing Yoobin later was already creeping into her thoughts. </p><p> </p><p>“You good?”</p><p> </p><p>“I just still really don't know how to bring up the thing with Yoobin again. It's starting to drive me crazy.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, he doesn't like talking about it, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“He shuts down immediately. I don’t even try anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>“I wanted to mention this before, but I didn't wanna get too personal. But I can give you some advice if you want.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, please do. I need <em> something.</em>”</p><p> </p><p>“Everyone feels differently, but some guys really don't like how their junk looks, you know, once stuff starts changing. I'm not saying he's talked to me about it…” Jungkook hinted, “But I think that's what's making him so anti.”</p><p> </p><p>“He's always been really insecure about…<em> that</em>. You’d think he'd be happy about things changing.”</p><p> </p><p>“It's complicated.”</p><p> </p><p>“I can tell.”</p><p> </p><p>“He probably doesn't want to talk about it because he's trying to ignore it's even a thing.”</p><p> </p><p>She held back a groan, “I don't— I don't want to sound insensitive or anything, but he's just making it harder for himself. It feels ridiculous sometimes. I know he’s struggling.”</p><p> </p><p>“How long has it been? I forget.” </p><p> </p><p>“Since we had sex or since he started T?”</p><p> </p><p>“T.”</p><p> </p><p>“Almost three months.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, there's no way he's not horny all the time.” he smirked, “Once he gets more comfortable with his junk and the constant horniness passes, he'll probably be better with wanting to be close and stuff, ya know?”</p><p> </p><p>“I swear it's just getting worse. We don’t even cuddle anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>“It doesn't last forever, trust me. But, like, when I first started, I would get horny if I just sat a certain way. I couldn't even sleep on my stomach because I'd end up rubbing against the bed and shit. It's no joke. I didn't wanna be close to anyone either. Sometimes just hugging my friends was weird because I would have boners for no reason.” </p><p> </p><p>Yoohyeon let out a sigh. </p><p> </p><p>“Just give it time. If it's really that crucial, just sit him down and force him to talk about it. If he really cares about your relationship, he'll be open with you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don't wanna give him an ultimatum or anything. I've already accepted that he doesn't wanna talk about it. I get it.”</p><p> </p><p>“He's lucky to have you. I'm sure he knows it and he'll crack if you force him to. Bet. That's my advice. Give him an ultimatum thingy.” </p><p> </p><p>She didn't think anything would make her dread going home any more than she already did, but the longer she thought about sitting Yoobin down to talk, the more she wanted to linger at the cafe. </p><p> </p><p>When she finally did end up back in front of their apartment door, she felt prepared. As prepared as she could've been, anyway. She’d made sure to set aside thoughts and words on the way home. She could do this. Talking about it was the most logical thing to do. Though, she still wasn't sure about the whole “ultimatum thingy.” </p><p> </p><p>Kicking off her shoes near the door, she caught glimpse of Yoobin walking into the kitchen, “Hey, baby.” </p><p> </p><p>Still in his pajamas, he stopped and waved, “Hey. You go meet up with Kook?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah. I brought you back some banana bread.”</p><p> </p><p>“Nice.” he beamed as she showed off the small package in her hand. </p><p> </p><p>As he came closer, she passed it to him with a soft smile. His bedhead made him look more attractive than messy and it should have been the exact opposite. Reaching out to him, she tried not to think about his impending reaction as she grabbed his hips. She wrapped her arms around his waist before he could escape. </p><p> </p><p>Though more alert, his eyes and curved lips were still warm. </p><p> </p><p>“What do you have planned for today, babe?” </p><p> </p><p>“Nothing really. Since you're off, we can go do something.”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe go to Sihwa’s?” she asked with a playful gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“So you can buy more shit you don't need?”</p><p> </p><p>“Excuse you, I'll never <em> not </em>need clothes.” </p><p> </p><p>He chuckled softly, “Yeah and you'll never wear half the shit already in your closet either.” </p><p> </p><p>His hands covered hers and she let him pull them off. It was casual until they met eyes. It always hurt, but she hid it well. She liked to think she did, but Yoobin’s apologetic gaze made her wonder. He quickly took a step back and leaned back against the kitchen door frame. Just like that, they were going to ignore the problem. It was always like this, but it couldn't be this time.</p><p> </p><p>“We should talk, after you take a shower and everything. I'll fix your coffee for you. That's what you were about to do, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… I was.”</p><p> </p><p>Concern suddenly furrowed in his thick brow and guilt cut Yoohyeon like a knife. She could see every conclusion Yoobin was jumping to in his mind. Unable to reassure him fast enough, she insisted.</p><p> </p><p>“It's not about anything bad. I promise.”</p><p> </p><p>“We can just talk now if you want.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>Yoobin’s fingers fiddled with the bread bag as he waited for her to speak again. She figured getting comfortable wouldn't hurt and made her way to the living room. Yoobin eventually followed and sat on the opposite side of the couch, back against the armrest. He looked smaller than he usually did with his knees to his chest. The wariness in his features didn't make him look any less cute, but Yoohyeon needed to focus. </p><p> </p><p>Eyes on his mismatched socks, she asked, “Do you know what I wanna talk about?”</p><p> </p><p>“I have some ideas.”</p><p> </p><p>“I bet.”</p><p> </p><p>“So… what is it?”</p><p> </p><p>“I want you to be more open with me.” </p><p> </p><p>“About what?”</p><p> </p><p>“About… Just about what's going on. I want you to talk to me because otherwise I'm going to keep blaming the way we are on me. I can't help it.”</p><p> </p><p>“What do you—?”</p><p> </p><p>“You don't even act like you're attracted to me anymore. We don't cuddle. You always hate when I touch you and I know why. I get why, but it's hard when I'm the only one reassuring myself… You know?” </p><p> </p><p>A heavy sigh left his nostrils. Silence spoke a lot sooner than he did, “I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know. I don't want you to feel bad… and I just really wish I could help. Jungkook told me you talked to him about—”</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck him.” he scoffed in annoyance, hiding his face in his knees, “Fuck him.”</p><p> </p><p>“I'm glad he did, though. You—”</p><p> </p><p>“No, fuck him. I don't wanna talk about it with you because it's pointless. There's no point in talking about it.” </p><p> </p><p>She watched him with cautious eyes, “Why?”</p><p> </p><p>“It's not gonna change anything.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Something </em> needs to change.”</p><p> </p><p>The sharp irritation in Yoobin’s eyes disintegrated within seconds. By accident, she'd dropped an ultimatum. She was already regretting it. She wanted to stand behind her words, however. Something really did need to change. Anything. </p><p> </p><p>Yoobin shook his head, unable to hold her gaze, “I just don't wanna talk about it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you not want to have sex with me anymore?” </p><p> </p><p>“I—”</p><p> </p><p>“I know it's not <em> because </em> of me, but something obviously has changed with you. If your dysphoria is getting worse, that's fine. But I want you to be open with me about it.” </p><p> </p><p>“It's embarrassing.”</p><p> </p><p>Finally, he didn't sound so defensive. </p><p> </p><p>“I'm your girlfriend.”</p><p> </p><p>“It's just complicated now. Like… It’s a lot harder for me to get off. I won't be able to handle you struggling to do it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Remember when we first slept together? I didn’t even cum the first time. It was awkward. Embarrassing. You were learning. That's how things like this work. There's nothing wrong with that.” </p><p> </p><p>He still couldn't meet her gaze. Suspicious, Yoohyeon just studied him. There was more to it. </p><p> </p><p>“Talk to me. Please—”</p><p> </p><p>The way he abruptly got up in a huff made her flinch. Seeing him walk away from her got under her skin in an instant. They'd done this enough that she knew letting her anger show would only make it worse, but she didn't think twice about it.</p><p> </p><p>“Are we really going to keep doing this? I get that you don't want to talk about it, but we have to.”</p><p> </p><p>“I just don't need the reminder, okay? Fuck.” his voice rose in frustration as he spun back around, “I get too many of those already.” </p><p> </p><p>“What reminder?”</p><p> </p><p>“That I'm a fucking freak!”</p><p> </p><p>If it wasn't for the way Yoohyeon's heart hit the floor, she would've been scared by the way he raised his voice. She wasn't dumb. She knew how he felt about himself sometimes. Sometimes, he'd actually confide in her about the fact that he felt abnormal. She always did <em> everything </em> in her power to insist otherwise. </p><p> </p><p>But her everything wasn't enough. His self-loathing was like a weed. It was going to keep coming back no matter what she did and that broke her heart. </p><p> </p><p>“So, no. I don't want to have sex with you anymore because I don't want to have to think about the fact that I'm just a chick taking testosterone.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yoobin—”</p><p> </p><p>“All it’s gonna do, if you touch me, is remind me that I don't have an actual dick. All that testosterone has done for me so far is remind me that I don't have an actual dick.” </p><p> </p><p>“I—” </p><p> </p><p>“My voice hasn’t even dropped yet.” </p><p> </p><p>“It's only been a couple months, Yoobin… It takes time.” </p><p> </p><p>Her voice stayed soft, partially because she was scared her throat would get tighter if she tried to be louder and partially because Yoobin’s frustration had melted into desperation within seconds. His jaw was tense. Eyes holding tears he was refusing to let fall, he couldn't hold her gaze. The second he looked elsewhere, she got up to comfort him. </p><p> </p><p>“I don't care about any of this anymore, okay?” she cupped his cheeks to force him to meet her gaze, “We can drop it. It's fine. I know you're frustrated.” </p><p> </p><p>“I'm pissed off.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know. I know you are, but you're <em> not </em> a freak. If you keep telling yourself that, of course you’re going to believe it.”</p><p> </p><p>“I'm a freak.”</p><p> </p><p>“Being trans—”</p><p> </p><p>“It's not even that. My body is just fucking weird. My shit doesn't look like a chick’s or a guy’s. Now it's just weird.”</p><p> </p><p>“You knew it was going to change… Are you regretting starting?”</p><p> </p><p>“I just wish I was normal.”</p><p> </p><p>“You're normal and you're <em> my </em> normal. I know you're not comfortable right now, but you know I don't care about… about <em> that.</em> Right?”</p><p> </p><p>He just nodded. His skin was still hot, but he had calmed down. </p><p> </p><p>“I just want you to talk to me about stuff like this. I don't care about us not having sex. I don't care about what your body looks like, or what you sound like. You're still a man. You're still my man. And getting comfortable with yourself is a process. For everyone. But <em> I'm </em> comfortable with you and I always will be no matter what you look like, okay? You can be comfortable with me. You can try.”</p><p> </p><p>“I feel like I wanna cry.” he muttered with a laugh, voice only reaffirming his words.</p><p> </p><p>Yoohyeon pulled him into a hug. He melted into her, and the feeling was overwhelming. His warmth was overwhelming. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so close to him. His face found safety in the crook of her neck and her heart ached the second the sound of him crying hit her ears. </p><p> </p><p>His whole body shook as he sobbed. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay, baby…” </p><p> </p><p>Hearing him completely let it all out made Yoohyeon’s own emotions hard to contain. Tears made her vision blurry. She hated that Yoobin was struggling as much as he was. Hated that he didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk about these things. Hated that he felt like a freak. </p><p> </p><p>She just hated this situation. </p><p> </p><p>But they were going to get through it. She was going to make sure of it.</p>
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